No YOU Shut Up And Drive

What’s In A Name? Nothing, If I Can’t Remember It

DO NOT WRITE ME. I know the numbers and letters mean something to the cognoscenti which I hasten to remind you, I am not. Hell, it took me four tries, Spell-Check and an actual dictionary before I even came up with the right spelling of “cognoscenti.”

You want to call it the BMW 6 Series, be my guest. But would it kill you to also call it The BMW Middle Version or the BMW Mama Bear or the BMW Women’s Sizes 8-12, for people like me who already have trouble keeping the B, the M and the W in the right order?

Lexus and Volvo are two of the most comfortable, reliable, user-friendly cars around. But ask someone what model they drive and I promise you they’ll say “the big SUV,” “the little SUV,” or “the gold one.” S, RX, LX, XC – they mean nothing to me. Although in fairness, as I wrote the letters “XC” I did think “Xavier Cugat.” But that’s probably because I saw Charo getting her mail the other day and he used to be married to her.

Volvo: you’re famous for safety so how about losing the letters and going with actual names, like the Volvo Sturdy? The Volvo Schlepper? The Volvo Go Ahead and T-Bone Me, I Won’t Even Feel It and Your Fender Will Fold Like A Cheap Fan?

And Lexus, stop using the letters no one even wants in Scrabble. Go for something that better-defines your brand: The Lexus “Big, Important but Not Too Showy.” The Lexus “I Finally Finished Paying Tuition.” The Lexus “Alimony.”

Lots of auto manufacturers name their models after places – the Ferrari Daytona and Maranello are cities where fast cars are the norm; the Porsche Cayman evokes a beautiful island where there’s no income tax; the Toyota Highlander immediately brings to mind rolling hills and burly men in plaid skirts.

So how about Audi loses the Q and TT and R and goes with a place name that reaffirms all we know about their brand? The Audi Autobahn pretty much says it all. Or if that’s too Teutonic, how about the Audi Abu Dhabi? No, the car has nothing to do with the Middle East but Abu Dhabi is one of those places that’s always paying Beyonce to sing two songs for a bazillion dollars which to my mind is a very compelling image.

And don’t get me started on animals. All manner of horse, jungle cat and snake are represented but why no peace-loving animals? I love my Toyota Prius but I’d love it just as much if it were a Toyota Otter or a Toyota Lamb. Not to keep picking on Plymouth but Skylark? Roadrunner? Come on, I couldn’t pick a skylark out of a police line-up and sadly, everything I know about road runners I learned in Bugs Bunny cartoons.

A Plymouth Penguin? THAT’s a car I could love. A Porsche Puffin? So adorable, I’d buy one in a heartbeat.

One final memo to Ferrari: please rename your Testarossa (red-head) and your Scaglietti (after designer Sergio Scaglietti) the Ferrari Dairy Cow and the Ferrari Parakeet. You see, I would have no problem driving a lactating bovine or a bird whose head looks remarkably like a Brussel Sprout, but my husband or son wouldn’t be caught dead in one so I’d have it all to myself.

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One Response to “What’s In A Name? Nothing, If I Can’t Remember It”

  1. D.G. Fulford says:

    This girl makes me laugh out loud to myself. Would love to ride shotgun with her.

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