10 New Traffic Violations That’ll Change The World
Parking tickets are so unimaginative. I’ve got a few ideas for new traffic violations that would fill city coffers by ticketing deserving motorists who do annoying things!
By Janis Hirsch
Nickel And Dime Me To Death
The city of Santa Monica, California has changed all its parking meters to reset to 0 when you pull out of a spot. No more running in for a fat free latte on someone else’s quarter. The city is short on cash and parking meters – and the parking tickets written to those who don’t feed the meters – help pay the bills.
But rather than literally nickel and dime drivers with this kind of nonsense, I herewith present my idea for ticketable offenses that would refill countless coffers of countless cities, while also addressing some of the most glaring driving infractions that have as yet slipped through the cracks.
New Ticket #1
PARKING IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE IF I DON’T KNOW YOU. Seriously, is there anything more aggravating than having your neighbors’ in-laws from Buffalo’s RAV-4 at the bottom of your front walk? Fine: $250.
New Ticket #2
STICKING YOUR HAND OUT YOUR WINDOW SO YOU DON’T GET YOUR CIGARETTE SMOKE IN YOUR CAR BUT I GET IT IN MINE AND I DON’T SMOKE. Yes, I understand you don’t want your car to smell like smoke because you swore to your husband/wife/children you quit 6 months ago but how stupid do you think they are? Presumably, you exhale in their presence. Unless you are in the Cousteau family and consequently are always in full scuba gear, they know you smoke. I have enough bad habits. Leave me out of yours. Fine: $275.
New Ticket #3
CHECKING YOUR TEXTS, EMAILS, BALD SPOT IN YOUR REAR-VIEW MIRROR, SHREDDED-TISSUES-AT-THE-BOTTOM-OF-YOUR-PURSE COLLECTION WHILE I’M WAITING FOR YOUR PARKING SPACE. Why not do all of that while you’re doing 65 on the freeway like everyone else? Fine: $50.
New Ticket #4
SCARING ME WITH YOUR TRUCK HORN JUST BECAUSE I’M NOT PAYING ATTENTION. I agree that long haul trucking is a hard, lonely job and I’m all for anything that breaks the monotony of a cross-country drive but seriously, there has got to be something more amusing than watching an unsuspecting middle aged woman scream bloody murder while levitating out of her seat belt just because she was thinking about Pinkberry toppings when she was supposed to be thinking about driving in just one lane. On second thought, maybe there isn’t. No Fine.
New Ticket #5
NOT TELLING ME WHEN I’M DRIVING WITH THE HEM OF MY RAINCOAT STICKING OUT THE BOTTOM OF THE CAR DOOR. If you don’t tell me the only way I’ll find out is when I reach over to open the glove box and get pulled back like I’m on a choke-chain. This is just basic human decency. But yeah, okay, it’s always funny to see. Fine: $2.
New Ticket #6
PARKING TOO CLOSE TO MY WHITE LINE IN A PARKING GARAGE. My takeaway from this always starts as “Wow, thanks for the compliment Chevy Tahoe. You think I’m so slender I can slither out of a 4” crack in my door!” Rather than show off my slim hips, I decide it’s just easier to slide over my console so I can get out of the passenger door. I rethink this only after I impale my lady bits on my earth-friendly reusable water bottle. The real trouble comes when I convince myself that I can fit through a 4” crack in the door if only I twist a certain way and suck my stomach in. Take it from me: there is no amount of twisting and sucking that can take 23” off my waist. Fine: $1,000.
New Ticket #7
LEAVING YOUR SHOPPING CART IN THE EMPTY PARKING SPACE I WANT TO PULL INTO. Look, I get that when you’re at Costco, the parking lot is as big as Luxembourg. And I know that when you’ve just put your kids and your ice cream in your hot car you don’t necessary want to make the journey back to the front of the store even though the walk could earn you one Weight Watchers Activity Point. So be creative. Shove your cart halfway into one of those sad trees they stick in the cement. Pretend you’re nice and give it to someone getting out of her car even if she thinks you’re a purse-snatcher. My favorite move is putting put my cart in that little space between the parking block in the front of my car and then hypnotizing it to not roll. It takes practice but it works. Fine: $35.
New Ticket #8
CALLING AND COOING TO MY DOGS WHEN I’M NEXT TO YOU AT A RED LIGHT. Once or twice a week my dogs go for a short drive with me, partly because they enjoy it and partly because I enjoy seeing them skitter around the back seat when I take a hard left. Yes the back windows are only opened enough for their heads to stick out and yes I’m glad you’re a dog person but making kissing noises while asking: “Who’s a good baby? Are you? Are you?” and then driving away leaves me with a carful of the terrier version of frenzied preteens at a Justin Bieber concert. Fine: $350.
New Ticket #9
DRIVING WHILE MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH ME WHILE I’M PICKING MY NOSE. We can all agree that public nasal excavation is both vulgar and ugly and yes, we all know better. God knows I don’t grab my to-do list, buckle my seat belt and think: “Groceries, hardware store and what am I forgetting? Oh yeah, thoroughly probe my sinus cavities.” But there’s something about the gravitational pull of the open road that levitates my hand up to my schnozz without my knowing it. Fine:… Wait a sec, you know what? No Fine. I’ll pay YOU if you witness me in the process. My apologies.
New Ticket #10
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF EXCESSIVE DECALS. I’m a big fan of free speech. And I’m happy you found paper doll-like stickers depicting everyone in your family in descending size. Mazel Tov for having an honor student or an Alaskan Malamute or another car that’s a horse. While I don’t give a rat’s ass what you feel about guns, whales, the Wisconsin Dells or In and Out Burger, it’s your bumper – knock yourself out. I’m glad that you’d rather be skydiving. Frankly, I too wish you were hurtling out of an airplane right now. But more than three will cost you $75 per decal because while no one else will tell you this, I will: you look #@%* crazy driving around like that. Fine: $1 billion.