No YOU Shut Up And Drive

The Written Test Gets A Facelift

While I’m not a fan of anything that sends me to the DMV, it’s time to rethink the written section of the Driver’s Test to better reflect the times we live in. Because they’re short-staffed and I’d rather do anything than wash my screens, allow me to share with you my new and improved questions…

By Janis Hirsch

1. You’re driving 35 mph. The traffic light 100 feet from you turns Yellow. Do you:

a. Think “pretty color” while adding an “s” to your opponent’s Triple Word score word on “Words With Friends” as you roll through the Red Light.
b. Floor it then realize you won’t make it,and slam on your brakes causing a multi-car pile up behind you.
c. Use the yellow light as a cue to remind you to call your dental hygienist because that’s what color your teeth are getting even though it’s only been 2 months since your last cleaning.
d. Come to a complete stop in the middle of the intersection effectively blocking all other traffic and still not have any idea why everyone’s honking.

2. Seatbelts should always be worn unless:

a. The way it cuts across on the diagonal makes you look fat.
b. You’re wearing linen and you don’t want a crease.
c. It’s still sticky from that Buffalo Wing you dropped on it.
d. If you have to futz with that stupid buckle you’ll ruin your brand-new French tip.

3. You’re about to make a left turn. When must you flip-on your turn signal?

a. When you leave the house that morning.
b. If you’re driving an expensive car? Never.
c. 100 feet from your turn, signal you’re making a right. At 75 feet, signal left. At 50 feet, turn on your windshield wipers.
d. 6 ½ inches before you swing hard to the left from the far right lane.

4. You must obey instructions from school crossing guards unless:

a. You don’t have kids at that school.
b. You’re on a really important phone call.
c. The crossing guard is instructing you to “shampoo, rinse, repeat” as children run wild through the streets.
d. The crossing guard is doing her grocery shopping but drunk with power.

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