No YOU Shut Up And Drive

Quiz: What’s YOUR Ideal Ride?

By Janis Hirsch

With all the choices on the market today, let VroomGirls help you find your dream car. Just take our quiz and then read our follow-up recommendations. Come on, it’s easy as pie. Which isn’t easy if you’ve ever tried to make a pie. I mean the filling, okay, but the crust? I couldn’t make potholders on those looms we used to have and can’t lattice a pie crust now.

Damn. Now I want pie.


1. The first thing I do when I get in my car is check _________.

A. in the rear view mirror for nose hair because SOMETHING sure itches
B. under the seat to see if I by any chance the Snack Fairy left me a freshly baked egg bagel with lox and a schmear of light cream cheese
C. Twitter to see if anybody “good” died or showed a nipple last night
D. my gas gauge and tire pressure to make sure it’s safe to drive

2. When stuck in a traffic jam, I don’t get frustrated, I ___________.

A. am glad I finally have a second to turn my underpants right-side in ‘cause they’ve been bothering me all morning
B. try to come up with really bad restaurant names, with current contenders including Poo Ping Palace, Armenian Live Stock and Grille, and The Congealed Eel.
C. call every single person I know to tell them I’m bored and see how long I can keep them on the phone
D. meditate

3. An “extra” I absolutely won’t pay extra for is _______________.

A. seat heat because it makes me have to pee and I can’t use a strange bathroom and YES, THERE CERTAINLY IS A CONDITION CALLED “SHY BLADDER” and I have it.
B. those dashboard lights that tell me when my tire is low because I never what those symbols mean so I cover them up with duct tape until I’m driving on rims.
C. dual controls so my passenger can adjust her own temperature. She wants a ride? Get it, shut up and pay for the parking.
D. Wifi capability. Everything I need is right there on my AM dial!

4. Cars can now park themselves. What’s another thing you wish your car would do to make your life easier?

A. go to Costco and get out for less than $200.
B. beep whenever my roots need dyeing because who can see the top of her own head?
C. let me Velcro myself to the seat back instead of strapping on my seat belt because that diagonal belt is not a friend of breasts
D. automatically turn on my blinker 100 feet before I make a turn: it’s the law!

5. When I go to a car dealership, I want my salesperson to ________.

A. not refer to me as “Mom” unless the salesman is my son; “Ma’am” unless I am Queen Elizabeth II and you’ve already called me Your Highness first; “Little Lady” unless I am Linda Hunt, in which case you’re technically okay but still, that’s thin ice; or “Shall we wait for your husband?” because those will be the last words you ever say.
B. not have marinated in cologne or perfume just prior to approaching me
C. let me go to the Drive Thru on our Test Drive because damn, I can smell those fries from here
D. try to find out exactly what I’m looking for in an automobile


*** If you most often chose “A” for answer, your ideal vehicle is a TRUCK. Trucks are imposing enough for you to behave really really badly behind the wheel and not get yelled at except by other truck drivers all jacked up on amphetamines.

*** If “B” was your most frequent answer, your dream wheels are rolling on a MINI-VAN. Didn’t see that coming? Think about it. They have dozens of cup holders, removable seats so you can take a little lie down whenever the spirit moves you plus no one will look at you funny when you buy a sheet cake to nosh on for the drive home because they’ll think you’ve got a car full of kids!

*** If you found yourself answering “C,” get yourself a SPORTS CAR. A really nice, really expensive sports car. Manual transmission. The most horse-power they’ve got. Fire-engine red. Because obviously you don’t care what anyone thinks of you so imagine how pissed off all those rich old guys with big cars and bad toupees will be when you ride your clutch in the fast lane.

*** For those of you who were “D” girls, don’t get a new car. Drive that old clunker in your driveway for another 7 years just to further embarrass your family.

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4 Responses to “Quiz: What’s YOUR Ideal Ride?”

  1. Sistie MacTavish says:

    Although I do own a 7 year old junker, I was really a B girl. Where did you get the cupcakes ?

  2. laroeder says:

    D girl for sure. Keeping my 20 year old Toyota…wonderful as always, Janis.

  3. Audi Woman (N says:

    My Audi 2007 S6! The Speed of this car is unbelievable! For the first time in my entire life I’ve gone over 100 miles on the highway not realizing it until I looked down at the speedometer No strike that I looked in my rearview mirror and saw how far back everyone else was then I looked down at my speedometer and realized oh CRAP I’m going to get locked up and NEVER BE ALOWED TO DRIVE AGAIN! The fun part is that most chicks that want to race me have No idea what the V-10 emblem on the side fender means anyway. I remember letting this one woman in at Porsche 911 take off first on the expressway after first pulling along side me then take off HA!!! I let her Go then I blew the lipstick / eyeliner right off her face at 110 mph. enough said!! I’m a seasoned driver driving safely since 1971 no accidents and driving Audi’s since 1985. I can Handel Her Very Well and Safely! Audi Lover For Life!!! Marcy.

  4. Pamela Willett says:

    Although I had C’s and D’s, I can see the reason. I currently drive a hard-top convertible 2009 Volvo C70 (a.k.a. Vivian) in Passion RED! However, I often find myself talking fondly about my 1995 Honda Civic del sol (affectionately named Chrissy – because I bought her the day after Christmas). I sadly sold her after 16 years and 204,000 miles. I swear that car would have gone for another 200K with me as the owner. I hope the new owner, Meghan, takes really good care of Chrissy.

    Now if I could just get a warm, sunny day to drive around with my top down!

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