No YOU Shut Up And Drive
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News Before It’s Made: The 2016 Auto Show

“…Honda unveiled a refreshed version of its popular Odyssey minivan at the 2013 New York Auto Show with a unique option — a vacuum cleaner built into the rear cargo area. It’s the first vacuum-equipped vehicle to hit the market, ready to suck up all the snacks and drinks spilled by the kids.”
Los Angeles Times 3/27/13

By Janis Hirsch

Dateline: 3 Years From Now

VroomGirls, the world’s largest and most prestigious multi-platformed news service, has just filed this report from the New York Auto Show and Hair Replacement Clinic listing some of the most talked-about automobile innovations of this century. In every case, the manufacturers cited the 2013 Honda Odyssey vacuum cleaner as The Motherf#&ker of Invention.

It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This

woman ironingThe eight-passenger Schadenfreude Touring Edition is now equipped with a fold-down ironing board behind its third row of seats. This is perfect for “gals on the go who wear a lot of linen” as well as busy moms who married guys with mothers who treated them like Princes and thus these husbands refuse to do the ironing or wear perma-press. And you can’t divorce him because then you’ll have to worry about dating on top of everything else.

Cook While You Drive? Sign Me Up!

You wouldn’t think the small-as-an-evening-bag WHOOPSY! Sedan could fit four very small, possibly legless Frenchmen, let alone a microwave oven, but it does. And that microwave is 1.7 cubit feet with a 220 CFM vent system, a 2 speed fan packing 1,000 watts: perfect for the woman who wants to make dinner for her family on her way home from carpooling… even though she has a full-time job too plus she’s the only one who’ll walk the dog. For now, the specs on the microwave demand that the WHOOPSY! be at a full stop and wired to a utility pole when in use, but that’s a kink the manufacturer assures us will be taken care of ASAP. After all, no family wants Mom coming home with a dinner that’s gotten cold. Yuck!

Fresh As A Summer Rain Shower

laundryWho says sports cars are just for guys? Ladies, wait till you get a load of the sporty, sleek lines of the Pantsuit Parasol, the hottest two-seater ever built for speed and laundry. Yes, every single Pantsuit, from the entry-level Patronizing all the way up to the $750,000 Panderer boasts side-by-side washer-dryers in the trunk. The manufacturer has left no detail out of this incredible package, allowing women to go from zero to 60 in 2.4 seconds while doing a load of whites. Forget about “new car smell. Now your wheels will always smell like fabric softener!

Dual-Purpose Dishwashing/Driving Gloves

I know, I know, the sturdy but unglamorous Shmata is no one’s idea of a fun ride but all that’s going to change once you clap your eyes on the Shmata’s Sink-on-the-Go Sedan! You know those dirty dishes piled up all over your kitchen? And you know how none of them are yours? Doesn’t matter! Every new Shmata comes with a foldable schlepper, a plastic box you can load all those dirty dishes in, lug out to your car, hook onto your backseat, attach the retractable hose to and scrub yourself silly at red lights, traffic jams or while waiting for your kid to finish piano lessons. That’s right, say goodbye to those 10 minutes you used to waste in Starbucks or catching a power nap. Shmata dish-drainer sold separately.

Cattin’ Around

spoiled kittyThe energy-efficient Smug has come up with a handy dandy way to offer women the chance to do housework while driving without wasting precious battery power. Starting in 2016, every Smug comes with a pull-down Litter Box Scoop in lieu of sun visors. Besides, who needs those little vanity mirrors when you can have the ease of sifting through cat scat while driving to work? The thoughtful folks at Smug have even made a concession for you pregnant drivers: standard in every vehicle are two pairs of rubber gloves and ten disposable sterile masks in case you’re worried about infecting your unborn child with toxoplasmosis parasites. See? Protecting your baby while keeping your cat clean has never been easier!

Like We Don’t Have Enough To Do Already!

We hate to slam a car as venerable as the Lezzie but none of their 2016 models, from their sporty two-passenger Lipstick to their rugged, all-wheel drive Doc Martin, offer women drivers the chance to do any household chores while behind the wheel. Sure, they’ve got every safety bell-and-whistle as well as cutting-edge steering and braking technology to enhance the driving experience but would an in-dash crock pot have killed them? A sewing kit? Silver polish? Honestly, it’s like they didn’t even try to give women what they want: housework even when they’re out of the house.

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