Janis Hirsch illustration

Kim and Lindsay: Haute Wheels for the Fun Girls

By Janis Hirsch

I wish the soon to be ex-Mr. Kim Kardashian had come to me for pre-marital counseling. I would’ve stood on my tippy-toes, taken him by his giant hand and walked him over to his intended’s garage. Then I would’ve pointed to her brand new 458 Italia Ferrari and said, “You’re a tall and lovely fellow but if a woman can have this (imagine me gesturing at the ridiculously beautiful and powerful work of art that goes from 0 to 60 in 3.4 seconds and has a maximum speed of 202) why on earth does she need that? (Now imagine me gesturing to his what I’m sure are impressive but not Ferrari-impressive man-bits.)

Yes, I’m giddy that Kim Kardashian bought herself a 458 Italia Ferrari. Clearly, any young woman who can parlay an ample butt into a multi-million dollar industry deserves my respect. I feel like a lottery winner when I get a $10 Groupon for Whole Foods. This chick got a zillion dollar wedding for free! But I minimize the significance of her accomplishment.

What Sojourner Truth’s “Ain’t I A Woman?” speech did to shine a bright light on racial injustice, what Elizabeth Cady Stanton’s tireless work did to enable women their right to vote, so too did Kim Kardashian the day she plunked down $325,000 (before tax and title) at the Ferrari dealer. Because Kim has made the world safe for women to drive top-of-the-line sports cars, even if they don’t have a clue how to use the seven-speed dual-clutch transmission, even if they never intend to gun its 4499cc V8 engine unless someone’s about to steal their parking spot in front of the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.

Kim is a true pioneer. Not so long ago, the closest she could’ve gotten to a hot car was posing on it. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Have YOU ever stretched out on a hot car in a soap suds-bikini? No? Sit on a waffle iron and get back to me.

Lindsay Lohan was recently spotted in a freaking Porsche Panamera. She never even fell out of a car that nice! Have you seen the Panamera? It’s breathtaking, a spectacular beast that does 0 to 60 in 3.6, 500 hp@6000 rpm. Besides, isn’t Lindsay on super double secret probation where she can’t do anything but mop autopsy juice let alone do hot laps at Willow Springs? And if she has to go back to the clink, will she leave the Panamera in the Women’s House of Detention Long Term Parking Lot?

Katie Price, who apparently is very famous everywhere but in my house, is tricking out her Bugatti Veyron and painting it hot pink. Gwen Stefani takes her Maserati to the nail salon. Karina Smirnoff, a ballroom dancer who has a career because ABC didn’t do “Knitting With The Stars,” tools around town in her elegant and powerful Maserati.

While actresses like Melissa Joan Hart and Raven Simone have always had hot cars, they’ve gone the boring route and actually learned how to race them. You know, like with lessons with pros and stuff. But not Kim Kardashian, not Lindsay Lohan.

These young ladies got themselves crazy sexy wheels just ‘cuz. They have taken the last things men held dear and turned them into a Kelly bag you can drive, a pet Chihuahua in a diamond collar with that takes Premium gas. And I have to say that I’ve seen some pretty good knock-off Hermes Kelly bags and there are a lot of dogs who shake as much as Chihuahuas when they’re worn like a broach but those Ferraris, those Porsches and Bugattis and Maseratis, those you can’t fake.

You go girls. Slowly. Erratically. And only to the hairdresser and back. But you go.

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4 Responses to “Kim and Lindsay: Haute Wheels for the Fun Girls”

  1. Susan Goldstein says:

    This has GOT to be one of the funniest pieces I’ve read in a very long time!!
    And underneath all the laughter, Janis made some really great points.
    I love this new website!

  2. Maris Clement says:

    This made me roar, especially the part where Lindsay Lohan never fell out of a car that nice. you go, vroom girl!

  3. kimphipps says:

    Go girls, indeed. It’s especially funny to hear all the guys in the blogosphere who are so quick to rag on Kim and Lindsay, but now I get it–they’re just jealous that these women have acquired the cars that the guys lust for! Eat their dust, boys.

  4. Jeanette says:

    “Sit on a waffle iron and get back to me.” You’re the best!!

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