Honk If You Love VroomGirls
Honks for the everyday VroomGirl
By Janis Hirsch
I get honked at a lot but it doesn’t annoy me. I’m glad for the “wake-up” when I start cleaning out my purse at a red light and get so enthralled by my bald emery board collection that I lose track of time. And I’m appreciative of the “stay in your own damn lane” honk when I inadvertently (sort of) see if I can make my car dance to Kelly Clarkson’s “My Life Would Suck Without U” (BTW, it can.) And I no longer flip off the honker who gets impatient when I don’t pull out of my parking place until I’ve checked my email and my rearview mirror to see if I’ve sprouted a new and horrifying chin hair.
What does annoy me is the sound of the honk. It’s too sudden and too loud and too ugly for me to do anything but clutch my heart and scream. And it’s only got the one sound: the blare that snaps me out of my stupor at a traffic light sounds exactly like the blare I give the guy on the freeway who’s about to merge directly into me at 65 mph. This makes no sense.
With all the electronics that come in cars these days and with all the car customization available to us , that one bleat can’t be the best they can do, honk-wise.
Which is why I hereby propose a veritable playlist of “Honks For The Everyday VroomGirl.”
1. When a pedestrian is so involved in texting that they cross against the light, directly in front of your moving vehicle, it is perfectly within your rights to have your horn honk Jamie Lee Curtis screaming in “Halloween.”
2. But what kind of horn-honk do you use when a pedestrian with ear buds jaywalks in front of you? That’s simple. You don’t honk. You can’t, it’s useless. But with my proposed technological advances, you only need to push a lever next to Cruise Control to shoot an electrical charge at the offending pedestrian. It may sound complicated but all it takes is 10 milliamperes AC for a 150 pound person to loose control of his or her muscles. And don’t worry. They regain control. Usually.
3. When someone is texting while driving, they are not only endangering themselves but all of us. Which is why I suggest adding a little fear to the mix, like a horn that honks the soundtrack of the Plantation shoot-out in “Django Unchained.” Only louder.
4. When the driver in front of you doesn’t realize the light has changed there’s no reason to go lean on your horn. A simple clip of Cher yelling, “Snap out of it” from “Moonstruck” will get her moving. If she doesn’t respond to Cher at the height of her talents when she could still move her face, then plough into her bumper; there’s no hope for her.
5. Don’t you hate being tailgated? No worries with the new Helicopter Horn App (patent pending). That’s right, one well-placed palm to the center of your steering wheel and the intensely loud and super-scary thwack thwack thwack of an Mi 26 Halo Helicopter– yes, the same bird used in 1999 to recover a 25-ton block of ice encasing a well-preserved 23,000 year-old Woolly Mammoth from the Siberian Tundra—will belch out of your tailpipe and into Mr. Tailgater’s ears. He will shriek like a little girl. He might even soil himself. But he will leave you the hell alone.
6. How about those times when the horn isn’t used defensively? Sometimes I use mine to tell my friend Maris that I’m in front of her house, waiting to drive her to whatever movie Maggie Smith is in. On those occasions, I could use something a little more friendly and a little less urgent, like a yodel. And if Julie Andrews could teach it to all seven of those unruly Von Trapp children, it can’t be all that difficult to teach my Toyota.
7. And while we’re on the subject of non-aggressive tooting, how about the “honey, I’m home” honk my husband so sweetly gives as he pulls in the driveway… or as I call it, the “Stop playing online Solitaire and at least pretend to be working” honk? Wouldn’t it be adorable if he had a Beep-Beep the Roadrunner beep(beep) on his car? Or what if his horn-sound was the howl of a coyote? It would not only get my attention but it would also make every dog in our neighborhood berserk, which shouldn’t please me but it does. It really does.
8. When someone tries to steal the parking spot you’ve been waiting patiently for, you need only to hit the button marked “the White House being blown up by aliens in ‘Independence Day’” to remind the offender who’s boss.
9. When a driver actually uses her turn signal before changing lanes, I suggest piping the sounds of wild applause in her direction. Like Judy Garland at “Carnegie Hall” or when Triple H made his WWE comeback in 2002, depending on your frame of reference.
10. You know when you’re at the gas station waiting for the pump to become available and the person ahead of you (okay, me) has already filled her tank and gotten her receipt but now has decided to squeegee her headlights and floor mats? Don’t lean on your harsh-sounding horn. That’ll just compel her to squeegee her entire undercarriage. Instead, wouldn’t you like an app that emits subtle but distinctive fart sounds every time she bends over? That would certainly put a spring in this VroomGirl’s step.