How a Car-Lift Beats A Facelift
Which Should I Trade-In: My Used Car or My Used Face?
By Janis Hirsch
You’ve schlepped billions of carpools which means you’ve had billions of juice boxes and untold gallons of Happy Meal effluvium ground into your car’s interior. And all those drives and all that mess shows on your face too. Something’s gotta give but you’re on a budget. Which fix will give you the biggest bang for your buck?
Our researchers at VroomGirls Labortories (me, on my laptop, at my kitchen table) have complied the data to help you with your decision. You’re welcome.
CAR INTERIOR LIFT vs FACELIFT
New Interior
1. Go to Katzkin.com, enter in your make and model number
Facelift
Find a Plastic Surgeon who’ll deign to see you, then watch in horror as your every wrinkle and crinkle gets outlined in Sharpie even though you know that Sharpie doesn’t wipe off and you have a meeting in 20 minutes and your burqa’s at the cleaners.
New Interior
2. Instantly see how the highest quality leather and piping will transform your car
Facelift
Be told that there are no guarantees: you could look younger or you could look like Phantom of the Opera
New Interior
3. If you’re buying a used car, save money by ignoring the existing interior, then take your car to Katzkin for the same reason you won’t sit on a hotel bedspread.
Facelift
If you want to save money, move out of LA or New York to anywhere women are actually allowed to age.
New Interior
4. Enter in your zip code to find the Katzkin leather-installation specialist in your neighborhood
Facelift
Learn that the surgeon’s next available appointment is in 3 years at which point you you’re sure you’ll be looking like one of those dolls from Appalachia carved out of an apple
New Interior
5. Leather seats are easy to clean
Facelift
A new face means a whole new make-up and skin care regimen. Take out that second mortgage now.
New Interior
6. Realize that for $1,500 (or less), your car will look brand new. So new and gorgeous, in fact, that no one will look at your face which is too bad because you’ll be grinning from ear-to-ear and that makes you look 10 years younger
Facelift
Learn that while the American Society of Plastic Surgeons says the average facelift costs $6,556, your doctor laughs hysterically when you quote this figure and says “multiplied times 4!”
New Interior
7. New leather interiors take one day to install
Facelift
A facelift takes a minimum of 6 hours with a mere 6 weeks before you can go out in public without scaring small children or being asked to audition for “The Elephant Man”
New Interior
8. If you’re buying a new car and you want leather seats but realize they’ll bump you up to a pricier package, buy the cheaper package and to Katzkin.com.
Facelift
If you want to save money AND get a new face, you can go out of the country for your surgery… because what could possibly go wrong in a place where the water gives you the runs?
New Interior
9. Katzkin throws in free extra padding that not only cushions your bum but hugs you too
Facelift
Your plastic surgeon gives you a free latex glove filled with ice to put on your bruises during your drive home
New Interior
10. Your Katzkin leather interior comes with a warranty
Facelift
Your facelift comes with legal documents saying that the doctor takes no responsibility for you being unable to close your eyes or yawn
New Interior
11.Do it. You know you want it.
Facelift
Don’t be silly. You look great and besides, you see your car interior every single day but if you’re like me, you haven’t looked in a mirror in 4 years
