No YOU Shut Up And Drive
Janis Hirsch illustration

Everything You Didn’t Know You Needed To Know

As I read my latest issue of O, The Oprah Magazine, several thoughts occurred to me. One: rich people get a lot of free stuff. Two: I didn’t know that America Ferrara was married – I hope he’s nice to her. Three: it was called “The Advice Issue” and while I wasn’t seeking advice on how to pan-fry Quinoa cakes, I was certainly happy to get it.

By Janis Hirsch

And so in the spirit of O, I’m here to give you driving advice that I learned the hard way and sincerely hope you’ll never need.


Don’t fart in your car until you’re 100% sure that no one’s going to double back and gesture for you to unroll the window because they forgot to tell you something.

How do I know this? After a dinner of Indian food, I had been really uncomfortable walking my son into school the next morning. I began to sweat when his teacher ask me to “stick around a sec.” When I was finally excused, I fled to my car clenching muscles I didn’t know I had. As I slammed the door, I relaxed and found immediate although vaguely repulsive relief. But when the president of the PTA tap-tap-tapped on my window, I froze. She made the old-fashioned but still universal sign for “roll your window down.” Feebly, I made the vertical “hang loose” sign which means “call me?” She stared at me, hand on her hips. I had no choice. I lowered my window, she stuck her head in and literally gasped. Weakly, I said: “What’s up?” She said: “I’ll call you.” And never did. That was 14 years ago.

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