No YOU Shut Up And Drive
Janis Hirsch illustration

Car Tech, VroomGirls Style

by Janis Hirsch

The biggest thing at the 2014 LA Auto Show was technology. Well, that’s not completely accurate: I went on the wrong day when no cars were available for viewing so all I got to see was the technology so okay, it was the biggest thing for me.

I saw dozens of apps that promised to find me a parking spot, a car thief or my teenaged daughter. There were loads of tiny cables that would happily connect my car to my iPad (if it weren’t in pieces after being dropped on the bathroom floor while playing Bananagrams), my oven and the majority of my Facebook “friends” who I couldn’t pick out of a police line-up but wish happy birthday anyhow.

Maybe it was because the majority of the Tech Reps were bright young men who I just knew were wearing Superhero underpants but the tech, while interesting, didn’t turn me on. The Spidey undies didn’t help nor did those earnest young reps who were programmed to use my first name every 7 seconds, as in: “Well, Janis, this is the latest update, Janis, are you Mac or PC, Janis, how’s your coffee Janis.” I’ve never hated my name more.

So herewith I present you with a sampling of technology from the as yet to be established VroomGirls App Store.

1. ChangeYourEvilWeighs (Carlos Santana’s approval pending)

You know how you hate to get on the scale because it’s a lying sack of shit? This app plugs into the seat of your car and tells you your weight minus the 31 pounds of clothing you’re wearing. Plus it knows that sitting adds 7 pounds and subtracts that too.

2. Whisk-er/Whisk-off

This ingenious app is built into your rear view mirror and detects whatever errant facial hair you missed during your morning surveillance. It’s also good for those wirey scary hairs that sprout up on your walk from your front door to your car. Simply choose the “Search and Destroy” option on your Whisk-off app, hold your touch screen over the offending follicle and ZAP your furry troubles away.

3. VG’s own G.P.S. – Gurrrl, Pretty Sexy!

looking goodIf you’re like me, you’re sick of your GPS and Siri ganging up on you just because you didn’t take the left they’ve been warning you about for the last mile. Seriously, who needs to get yelled at in your car when you’re alone? Isn’t it bad enough you get yelled at by people behind you in line because you’re SURE you have the two pennies?

Well, fret no more. Your car can be your Happy Place once again with VroomGirls’s special GPS. Activate it and you’ll get nothing but compliments the entire time you’re behind the wheel.

Among the phrases our Gurrrl, Pretty Sexy! has at her disposal include:

“I don’t care how long it’s been since you’ve washed your hair, it totally frames your face!”

“Didn’t you star in ‘Gravity’? ‘Cause your ass is out of this world!”

“Oooh, there’s a McDonald’s Drive-Thru. Doesn’t that cutie-pie behind the wheel deserve a McCafe Chocolate Shake? Who cares about the 560 calories – you burned twice that much this morning folding those fitted sheets this morning!


woman pumping gasDon’t you hate going to the gas station and I’m including those snazzy ones that with the dirty waterfalls and those TV monitors that tell you the weather. Aren’t you OUT in the weather? Is it really news to you that it’s raining?

But running out of gas is not a great alternative. Unless you can assure me that the tow truck driver with the gas can is a woman, I really don’t need a strange man looking at me with amusement/pity/disgust. I can get that at home.

So here’s how our Tankyouverymuch app works: When you’re at a quarter of a tank, you’ll hear the actual sounds from inside your home: baby crying, spouse who can’t find the towels, dog puking, cat in heat, sullen teenager slamming doors and blaming you for everything bad in the world, neighbor who claims to want you to sign a petition but really just wants to see your living room.

Then our VG Tankyou voice says: “Do you really want to rush home to that? Because there’s a gas station about a half hour away, which would mean you probably wouldn’t get home for at least another hour. How about it?”

All good, huh? And I wasn’t even wearing my Wonder Woman spanx.

Share This:

One Response to “Car Tech, VroomGirls Style”

  1. la roeder says:

    Love, as always.

Leave a Comment