No YOU Shut Up And Drive
Janis Hirsch illustration

Ask Janis!

Although I never get letters asking for my car advice and car-related wisdom, I’m sure it’s just a glitch in the postal system. So if I did get those letters I never get, I suspect these are just a few areas my inquiring readers would want my help with.

By Janis Hirsch

Dear No YOU Shut Up,

When I’m pumping my own gas, I feel like should wash my windshield with the squeegee they provide but the water in it always looks so gross. Your thoughts?
I Don’t Want To Catch Malaria at the Shell Station

Dear I Don’t Want,

First of all, do you actually think that malaria-carrying mosquitoes could survive in that fetid, festering soup squeegees lives in? I strongly doubt it. But more than that, you’ve got to remember that strong, independent women take care of themselves and their cars, and how is anyone going to know you’re strong and independent until you have a smeary windshield, black drippy stuff all over your hood from where the dirty water puddled down and stains on your blouse from where you had to lean over to reach the middle of the window?

Dear No YOU Shut Up,

Every driver on the road is distracted except me… unless I’ve dropped a piece of donut down my bra. Honking doesn’t seem to snap them out of their texting, talking or tweezing. Any car advice for me?
Annoyed 24/7

Dear Annoyed,

I know what you mean. Everyone’s a bad driver but me too! And honking is a lost art. So here’s what I do when I encounter distracted drivers: If I’m in my husband’s car, I get in front of them and then slam on the brakes. They will either snap out of it in time to come to a screeching halt or they’ll rear end me, in which case it serves my husband right.

If I am at a red light next to a distracted driver and they’re smaller than me, I open my window and yell at them with the same voice I yell at my dog when he pees on the futon. It doesn’t faze the dog either but there’s something satisfying about straining your vocal chords. If they’re bigger than me, I just shake my weary head at them and look extra disappointed; they won’t stop driving badly but they’ll feel guilty about something and honestly, there’s nothing that warms this Jewish mother’s heart more than that.

Dear No YOU Shut Up,

I worked hard to buy my car. It’s not new or fancy but I love it. When I pull up to someone my age in a car that costs more than my parents’ house, I get embarrassed that I’m in such a clunker. I hate feeling this way. What do I do?
Shallow As A Kiddie Pool

Dear Shallow,

Here’s the most important thing to tell yourself when you’re next to a babe in a $2.6 million Bugatti Veyron Supersport while you’re idling in a 1971 Corolla with Plymouth Duster bumpers: she’s a hooker who got that car by doing God knows what to a man who makes Quasimodo look like Channing Tatum. She may not be a hooker, of course. She may be the genius billionairess who invented lip gloss but that’s not going to make you feel any better so get it out of your head.

And if you’re one of those “nice people” who won’t think ill of strangers, get her attention and make the universal sign for “you have a booger hanging out of your nose” and then drive away. She’ll rub her schnozz raw trying to flick the invisible booger away.

Dear No YOU Shut Up,

I recently took my 2 year-old with me when I went to the bakery to pick up my best friend’s birthday cake. It was a chocolate cream-cheese cake with strawberry whipped cream icing and I didn’t want it to get damaged on the ride home. Was it wrong that I put the cake in my daughter’s car seat and then strapped her into the regular seat next to it? I put bubble wrap on her lap, wrapped my neck pillow around her head, drove really slowly and bought her a Barbie Doll from the Tim Gunn collection if she swore never to tell Grandma.
Good Friend/ Bad Mother in Need of Good Car Advice

Dear Good/Bad,

Do I recommend children under 80 pounds not riding in a car seat or booster seat? Absolutely not. It’s not just illegal, it’s downright cruel and negligent. Got that?

Now that the VroomGirls legal department is off my back, it was a chocolate cream cheese cake with strawberry whipped cream icing for God’s sake! Besides the world’s birthrate is something like a baby born every 4.2 seconds but a dessert like that comes once every five years or so. Just kidding! (Legal made me say that too.)

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4 Responses to “Ask Janis!”

  1. Sistie Clement says:

    riotous again. didn’t know I could drive Bob’s car and risk getting it rear ended. great idea!


    Dear No You Shut Up and Drive….
    What about those people with zillions of interesting-looking bumper stickers, but that you are just too blind to be able to read?? I have tried tailing them and getting up really close at stop signs, but they just floor their car outta there. Should I get binoculars? What would you do?

  3. LaRoeder says:

    A Barbie doll from the Tim Gunn collection!, Love it!

  4. D.G. Fulford says:

    Whatdoyoudoaboutlackof depthpercepTIONCRASH ?

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