Baby, You Can’t Drive My Car
I’ve been crankier than usual since Google announced it was working on the first driverless car. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for progress and technological innovations. The Smart Phone, the keyless ignition, the Roomba? I give you three hearty cheers although to keep that in perspective, I think the Spray-Away bottle of Nair is the Second Coming.
But Google, you’re going to have to pry the steering wheel from my cold dead hands.
Think it through, GooglePlexicans: What am I supposed to do while my car is driving itself with me in it? I can only check my phone for so long without getting car sick and I’ll have no friends left if I use that time to call them. At least when I’m driving and make a “Hi, what’s up?” call, my call-ee is occasionally saved by my screaming “I’M ALMOST AT MY EXIT AND I HAVE TO CROSS 5 LANES OF TRAFFIC” and hanging up. Go ahead, check my math: no distractions + too much time on my hands = zero friends.
To those who’d suggest I’m supposed to work while my car is joyriding me around town, I’d like to remind you that the whole purpose of driving is NOT working. If your job is so important that it needs your input every-waking moment, take a bus, get a limo or better still, find a new job.
Because if you’re working every second you’re in the car, when would you think? When would you sing? When would you talk out loud to yourself like a crazy person? When would you cry over what that mean girl said to you in 5th grade that your mother said you were blowing all out of proportion even though you totally weren’t? And hey, whose side was your mother on, anyway? Which leads us to, when and where would you scream your head off without running the risk of being taken down with a tranquilizer dart like a bear in on the roof of a shed? And don’t try to tell me you can do all that while being driven. It’s a well-known fact that you need to grip the steering when you’re crying. You need to brake to the beat when you’re singing. And don’t forget the joyous release of leaning on that horn when you’re really really mad.
You NEED to drive.
But Google geniuses fear not. I’m more than happy to offer a few suggestions of technology that would improve lives while keeping me in the driver’s seat.
1. Google Grey
This is a small upgrade to the hard drive that will dye my roots for me. No “one size fits no one” plastic gloves to wear, no getting up in the middle of the night so the sight of you naked with a smelly oil slick on your head won’t scare the dog, no time-consuming trips to the salon where you’re forced to look in the mirror at yourself at your very worst for an hour or two.
2. Google Gain
Show of hands: who likes to get on the scale? Keep your hands up: who likes to get on the scale when you haven’t just come back from India or out of a coma? Exactly. Google Gain is a right click function on your mouse. Once engaged, it’ll weigh your finger and use that to estimate your weight. I don’t know about you, but I have the fingers of a woman who is not fifteen pounds higher than her goal weight.
3. Google Get-Out
Not only is eyebrow maintenance tedious but no good can come from staring at your face in a magnifying mirror. Yes, we all are aware that skin has pores and imperfections but DLE, people – Distance Lends Enchantment. When you’re doing your make-up in your car’s vanity mirror, a little blush, a little gloss and you’re gorgeous. But when you see yourself magnified ten times in harsh bathroom light, the only make-up you’ll be reaching for is a ski mask.
4. Google Gums
Sure, when you have a toothache, go to the dentist but for those pesky trips to the hygienist for teeth cleanings, download the app that will tell you you’re not flossing your back teeth and then tell you everything boring it’s done for the past year. If you use Google +, you’re entitled to a free toothbrush that you’ll lose before you get back to your car.
5. Google Go-With
You know when you’re standing in the kitchen, opening and closing the refrigerator hoping that maybe the last twenty times you just didn’t notice a roast turkey, a bowl of creamy mashed potatoes and a vat of cookie dough? Google Go-With syncs to all your home electronics so when you’re in bed watching “Project Runway” and you say to your television, “You know what would make this Macintosh apple I’m eating taste even better? A root beer float with whipped cream on top,” voila! It appears. Or if you’re watching your Lean Cuisine Baja Style Queso Dip with Pita Bread take its victory lap around the microwave and you think, “Look at me being all health-conscious. I deserve some praise. And you know what else I deserve? A Mai-Tai and a poo-poo platter, whatever the hell that is,” then just make sure your Wi-Fi’s in working order and enjoy.
I’ll do the driving, Google. You do everything else. Now that seems fair.