More Answers To Questions You Didn’t Ask
By Janis Hirsch
I am the person who tells people – unasked, out of the goodness of my heart, you’re welcome – in the Sunglass Hut that “Those round frames aren’t doing your chipmunk cheeks any favors.” I’m the one who breezes by you at the Clinique Counter and mutters helpfully under her breath: “Methinks someone’s a little o-l-d to be flirting with that shade of pink.” And I’m the one in the grocery store who gives you the “Really?!” face when I catch you browsing the Mallomar aisle. Never mind that I’m buying my own box, okay, boxes of Mallomars — I obviously have a sluggish metabolism while you just lack self-control.
So it’s only natural that I now offer my wholly unsolicited, blissfully uninformed but bullheadedly emphatic opinions as to the right car for you to drive. My one disappointment is that as of yet, no car company has offered to give me a car for free so out of spite, I will not name brands, just types. But for future columns, I state unequivocally that I can be bought for a very nominal fee.
For The Single Lady Looking For True Love:
There are a few ways to go, all of which will help you achieve your goal thereby proving I’m right., which achieves MY goal. I suggest buying the cheapest model from a fancy manufacturer. This will signal that you either recognize quality and are prudent or that you’re deluded enough to believe that All Models Are Created Equal. If it’s the former, your potential mate will know that you’ll embrace his potential to grow. If it’s the latter, if you truly think that the stripped down version of the snazzy car that was originally made for India is fooling anyone, your potential mate will be relieved about his measly paycheck and small penis.
For the Single Lady Looking For Anything Even Vaguely Resembling Love:
Either drive a total junker because you don’t want to intimidate any potential suitors, or get a ridiculously pimped-out sports car and tell him he can drive it if he’ll go with you to Thanksgiving at your parents.
For Gals Climbing The Corporate Ladder:
Get a four-door anything. Inexplicably, your bosses, a/k/a the people with the nice cars, will insist that you drive them to meetings even though they won’t reimburse for mileage. And there is nothing worse for your career than having your boss get tangled in the seat belt while trying to squeeze her wide butt into the backseat of a two-door car. This is to be avoided because, while trying to get out of your car, your boss will face-plant on the sidewalk – skirt over her head – which will make you howl with laughter, which will get you fired. On the plus side, everyone at your former office will buy you drinks just to hear you tell the story.
For Moms Who Don’t Want To Look Like Moms:
You’re not fooling anybody. Get the van. They’re really fun to drive.
For Moms Who Embrace Looking Like Moms:
Get the smallest sedan you can find. For some reason, 4 kids, a dog, a stroller and a soccer net shoved into a small car make passers-by think you’re a happy-go-lucky woman who values togetherness and doesn’t let silly things like comfort or safety get her down. At least that’s what you should tell yourself. They don’t have to know that you go home and drink three vodkas before you stop shaking.
For Women Whose Last Kid Finally Moved Out:
Get a sleek Italian two-seater, even if you can’t drive a stick. It will let your kids know that, as revenge, you plan on spending every penny of their inheritance.
For Women Of A Certain Age Who Don’t Want To Drive A Gold Sedan Slowly In The Fast Lane:
Get whatever looks the most like the first car you ever had. You’ll have a blast in it remembering all the things that happened in the back seat but more importantly, you’ll remember what it looks like when you lose it in the parking lot.