No YOU Shut Up And Drive
Janis Hirsch illustration

Insert your Garage Stripper Name Here

WHAT IS YOUR PARKING GARAGE STRIPPER NAME?

By Janis Hirsch

1. When you pull up to the ticket machine, do you:

A. Scrape the crap out of the side of your car, then yell at the non-English speaking attendant to stop laughing, then forget to take your ticket and drive directly into the gate arm?

B. Pull up too far away to reach the ticket and practically strangle yourself on your seat belt until you have thoroughly pissed off everyone behind you, then unbuckle your seat belt, open your car door and fall out?

C. Grab the ticket easily then immediately lose it inside your car?

D. Take your ticket, put it in the same place you always put your tickets and then completely forget where you are and why you’re there?

2. The sign at the garage entrance says “NO AVAILABLE SPACES THIS LEVEL; 300 EMPTY SPACES LEVEL TWO.” Do you:

A. Stop immediately and wait for someone – anyone – to come out, no matter how long it takes and no matter how long the line of cars behinds you get? This is your system and you are sticking to it.

B. Invent-A-Space convenient to your elevator or escalator? Doesn’t matter if it’s painted red or reserved for Electric Car charging or not really big enough for that boat you drive. If you can fit, you park. Even if you have to climb out of the sunroof .

C. Drive against the One-Way arrows and FAST because your wheels screech in garages and how cool is that? Then pull into a space coming from the wrong direction thereby taking up two spaces as well as being aimed the wrong way when you leave.

D. Park in Handicapped Spots because according to your shrink, you’re WAY more disabled than Stephen Hawkins but only on the inside and only in comparison to your 14-year old daughter.

3. You’ve parked and now it’s time to leave your car. Do you:

A. Open your door as hard and as wide as you can, even if it means ramming into the car next to you even though it is safely within confines of her parking space while you on the other hand are two tokes over the line?

B. Leave your car and head for your destination without checking which level you’re on, which row you’re in or what your space number is? And once you arrive at your destination, you realize you don’t even know whether you got there via escalator, elevator, stairway or ramp, so you do the only rational thing and eat a Cinnabon?

C. Keep your engine running and your back-up lights on while you clean out your purse, answer emails and download an Audible book all the while keeping the foolish hope alive of an about to be vacated parking spot in the person waiting patiently behind you?

D. Take a photo of your spot, your row and your level number and then walk as slowly as humanly possible right up the center of the lanes thereby preventing any and all traffic flow?

4. Okay, mission accomplished. Time to get back in your car. Do you:

A. Hold your hand over your head and start pressing the “Unlock” button on your key fob as you wander aimlessly, row after row, level after level and then go back up to the mall and call a friend to pick you up? Eventually, they’ll tow your car and then call you to pay the fine and pick it up which right now seems a better solution.

B. Try to use your key on every car that’s the same color as yours, no matter if it’s a BMW sedan or a Toyota RAV4 or a 1971 Plymouth Duster because sooner or later, you’re going to be right?

C. Flag down a Parking Attendant in his golf cart cum garbage scow and ask him to help you, not that he can do anything but you want to sit down because you totally wore the wrong shoes for all this schlepping? NOTE: BONUS POINTS IF YOU DO THIS AND THEN FOR THE LIFE YOU CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT MODEL OR YEAR YOUR CAR IS. All you can tell him is that the model has the letter “X” in it and that you got it the same year “Gilmore Girls” went off the air.

D. By using the handy mnemonic “Let Tweety Order Rich Rancid Lettuce” you remember Level Two Orange Right Right Left” and then feeling smug, you back out and head for the exit when you remember you forgot to get Validated and then you start to cry?

Scoring:

5 points for every “A”
4 points for every “B”
3 points for every “C”
2 points for every “D”

If you scored between 17-20 points, YOUR GARAGE STRIPPER NAME IS “Lazy McSelfish”
If you scored between 12-16 points YOUR GARAGE STRIPPER NAME IS “Denty ‘Honk Honk’ Legally Blind”
If you scored between 7-11 points YOUR GARAGE STRIPPER NAME IS “Lusty Rusty Underchassis”
If you scored 6 points or less… and how is that possible?… YOUR GARAGE STRIPPER NAME IS “No-Turn-Signal Galore”

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